


How I Spent My Vacation

by Mostcrazylady



Series: It's Not a Job, It's an Adventure [1]
Category: NCIS, Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-29 04:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17800907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mostcrazylady/pseuds/Mostcrazylady
Summary: Tony's attempt to help a lady in distress leads to his discovery of a life he thought only existed in the movies.





	1. Chapter 1

How I Spent My Vacation

 

Tony DiNozzo barely paid attention to the beautiful Washington, D.C. weather as he wandered along the path in the park near his home. Deep in thought, he hardly noticed his surroundings. It had been a hell of a year, starting with the explosion that stole Gibbs’ memories and sent him off to Mexico for four months and culminating with Jeanne Benoit accusing him of murdering her father. He was tired of everything right now both physically and emotionally and had demanded that Jenny give him two weeks off. It was the least she could do since involving him in her little undercover unsanctioned personal vendetta op. After spending his first two days off sleeping, he had decided to go for a walk in the nearby park and try to clear his head.

Tony’s attention was drawn back to his surroundings when he noticed some sort of altercation going on up ahead. There was a slender woman with dark hair arguing with two burly men and deftly avoiding their hands that were trying to grab onto her.

“Hey! What’s the problem here?” Tony called out as he quickly moved closer to the three.

“Nothing that concerns you,” one of the men snarled at him while the woman screamed, “Help! I’m being kidnapped!” The other man used her moment of distraction to latch onto her arm and started dragging her toward a nearby van.

“Doesn’t look to me like the lady wants to go with you. Let her go!”

Tony reached for the man struggling with the woman, who he noted was doing a good job of kicking and punching her attacker, and didn’t notice the fist headed for his face until it connected. He automatically punched back and the fight was on.

Involved as he was with his own opponent, Tony couldn’t help but notice that the woman was giving as good as she was getting. Then the man picked her up and threw her into the van. When Tony moved to intervene, something hit the back of his head and everything went black.

=======================

Tony’s first sensation was that his head hurt. Then his eye started to throb followed by his gut. Fingers were gently carding through his hair and a woman’s voice was speaking softly. He couldn’t quite place her accent though it sounded vaguely British.

“I do wish you would wake up, Darling. Those damn Jaffa fools. You were already unconscious, they didn’t need to zat you too.”

Tony groaned and opened his eyes to find his head on the lap of the woman he had tried to rescue. “Are you all right?”

“Oh! You’re alive! Thank goodness, I thought for sure they’d killed you!”  
She helped him sit up until he could lean against the wall beside her. “That was very brave of you to try to help me. Foolish, but brave,” she continued and smiled as she held out her hand. “Vala Mal Doran.”

“Tony DiNozzo.” He glanced around the room they were in. “Looks like my plan worked.”

“Your plan?”

He gave her a charming smile. “Obviously, my plan was to get kidnapped with you so I could be there to get you out of where ever they were taking you.”

She sighed. “I’d say your plan worked too well. We’re both locked up in this room and we won’t get out until someone lets us out.”

Tony looked around more closely. “Do you have any idea where we are? It looks like we could be in a room in some museum and if we are, whoever decorated this room definitely flunked their interior design class. I thought working inside a pumpkin was bad, but these walls are beyond tacky.” He gave an exaggerated shudder.

“We’re in an Al’kesh and no one ever accused the Goa’uld of having good taste.”

“Al’kesh? Gould?”

“It’s Goa’uld and an Al’kesh is one of their ships.”

“We’re on a ship? It doesn’t feel like we’re on the water.”

“That’s because we aren’t on the water. We’re in space, hyperspace to be exact.”

“Space? As in space, the final frontier? Ooo...kay.”

Vala proceeded to tell him all about the Stargate and the SGC, then graphically described the Goa’uld and how they chose a host whose body they then possessed. She described how the Goa’uld Qetesh took her as its host which led to her opinion of the Tokra that freed her. Vala looked closely at Tony and informed him that he had exactly the strong body and handsome face that would definitely be desired for a host. 

When she finished, she realized that Tony was staring unblinking at the opposite wall. He had a look of horror and disgust on his face, then he quietly stated, “This isn’t an elaborate prank, is it.”

Vala grimaced. “Much as I’d like it to be, I’m afraid not.” At his continued silence, she cautiously asked, “Are you all right?”

“I think you broke my brain.” 

Vala patted his hand sympathetically. “Poor Darling. I’m sorry.” 

Tony shook his head and blinked then took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “O K, Anthony. Escape now, freak out later.” He stood up and began examining the walls of the small room they were in. When he reached what appeared to be the door, he calmly said, “We need to get out of here.”

“I wish we could, but we’re locked in. If I could get the cover off the locking mechanism, I could get the door open, but they took everything I had that could be used to pry the cover off.”

Tony looked over the cover she was referring to, then began to unbuckle his belt.

Vala sighed. “Darling, you’re gorgeous and very tempting, but unfortunately this is neither the time or place for sex.”

Tony looked startled for a moment, then glanced down at what his hands were doing before answering, “No, but it is the time and place for Rule 9, always carry a knife!” He pulled the knife from his belt and held it up with a triumphant grin.

Vala’s eyes widened in delight and she returned his grin as she hopped up and joined him at the panel. “Oh, isn’t that clever!”

It only took seconds for Tony to have the cover removed from the locking mechanism. He turned to her with a flourish and grinned. “Ta Da!”

Vala clapped her hands and grinned back. “My turn!” She reached into the mechanism and began fiddling with things.

“Where do we go once we’re out of this room?” Tony asked.

“We go to the engine room. There are sensors there that will tell us how many are on board and whether they are Goa’uld, Jaffa, or human. Then we go after the Goa’uld in charge of these idiots and find out why they were after me. I don’t recognize the mark they wear, so it must be a minor Goa’uld who has recently taken a host. Which means it’s not all that powerful yet and it answers to someone else.”

She finished moving things around in the panel and the door quietly slid open. She turned to Tony and smugly said, “Ta Da!”

It was hard to say who was more surprised, Tony and Vala or the Jaffa standing on the other side of the door. Tony reacted first and landed a punch in the other’s face that caused the surprised Jaffa to stumble back a step. Tony tackled him to the floor where they struggled, both trying to gain dominance. Vala darted in and somehow managed to avoid flying fists as she pulled the zat from the Jaffa’s belt.

She shouted, “Tony move away from him!” Tony quickly rolled to the side and as soon as they were no longer touching, Vala fired the zat, then walked over and viciously kicked the unmoving Jaffa.

“Whoa,” Tony said as he got to his feet. “Isn’t that a bit of overkill?”

“That’s the scum that zatted us.” 

“Okay. And that’s a zat?” He gestured toward the object she held and she nodded. “That is vaguely obscene. I saw something that looked like that in a porn shop once. Oh! Not that I make a habit of going into porn shops. I was working vice. As a cop.”

Vala was looking more and more amused. Tony cleared his throat. “All right, Anthony, quit while you’re ahead. We need to get him out of sight and find something to tie him up with.” 

Vala went to the next door down and held the zat at the ready as she opened it. She cautiously looked inside as the door slid open, then beckoned to Tony.

“This one’s empty,” she noted as she stepped inside.

Tony dragged the unconscious Jaffa into the room and Vala closed the door. He dropped the Jaffa in the middle of the room and looked around. This room was as small as the one they’d been locked in and appeared to be used for storage. There were two medium sized crates and beyond them, a small pile of objects.

“Hey, are those the things they took from us?”

Vala hurried over to the pile and checked it. “Yes,” she grinned in satisfaction as she lifted up a bracelet.

Tony was more practical. “We need to find something to tie this guy up with first,” he stated and pried the lid from one of the crates. “Nothing useful here,” he muttered as he rummaged through a pile of electronic-looking objects. One piece lit up when he touched it, but he was more interested in finding a way to confine their prisoner. The second crate yielded a few more of the gadgets but these were cushioned by fabrics. Several of the items lit up when he touched them to move them off the cloth, but he ignored them as he pulled out a piece of the fabric.

“All right,” he smiled. “This should work.”

The fabric proved to be tough and hard to tear, but he managed to get several strips that he used to bind the prisoner’s hands behind him, then tied his feet to his hands effectively immobilizing him. Another strip was used to gag the Jaffa. Tony looked at his work with satisfaction.

“I could’ve been a rodeo cowboy,” he grinned at Vala then went to join her beside their belongings.

“My jacket!” he exclaimed as he snatched it off the floor and hugged it. Noticing Vala’s smirk and raised eyebrow, he defended his actions. “I love this jacket.”

Next he picked up his shoulder holster and gun, which he checked over carefully to be sure it had a full clip and hadn’t been tampered with. He slipped on the holster and jacket, then reached for the other items that lay there. He was happy to find his badge, ID, and wallet all intact.

Tony turned to Vala and did a little bow. “Now I’m me again. NCIS Very Special Agent, Anthony D. DiNozzo Jr. At your service.”

Vala smoothed his collar and smiled. “Very Special, indeed. But, escape first, sex later.” She gave him a lascivious wink and wiggled her hips as she walked back to the door.

“Wow!” Tony exhaled in appreciation then shook his head. “Escape first. Right.” He joined her as she cautiously opened the door.

Tony carefully poked his head out the door and looked both ways before quietly asking, “Which way?”

“This way,” Vala indicated her right, then took charge and led the way down the hall. Her time with Qetesh had made her so familiar with the layout of an al’kesh that she could find her way to the engine room in her sleep.

“You know, this is putting a huge dent in my macho self-image, allowing a lady to go into danger in front of me.”

“Who says I’m a lady?” Vala purred and wiggled her hips again.

They both got serious as they crept down the corridor that led to the engine room. When they reached the door, Vala held the zat ready and signaled Tony to let her go first. He nodded reluctantly, acknowledging her skill with the alien weapon. She opened the door and with one swift move, zatted the sole occupant before he had a chance to register her appearance and react. Tony followed her in and the door closed behind him.

While Tony tied up their prisoner, Vala locked the door and busied herself at the consoles that lined the room.

“There you are,” Vala murmured as Tony moved to her side and looked at the screen she’d accessed. It showed six dots in various locations around the ship; two green, three yellow, and one red.

“The green are pure humans, that’s us. The yellow are Jaffa and the red is a goa’uld, obviously the one in charge of these idiots,” Vala explained. “A minor goa’uld indeed, to only have three minions. We’ll still need to use caution around it. It probably has a ribbon device. That’s a nasty piece of tech that can turn your brain to mush and give you a slow agonizing death. So keep an eye out for that.

“Chances are good that the damn thing also has a personal shield. Bullets and zats won’t penetrate it, but a knife will. Are you any good at throwing a knife?”

Tony nodded. “Five summers at Camp Pokaquatic. I even got a medal for it.”

“Oh you are Very Special,” Vala smiled and handed him a knife.

Tony didn’t even want to know where she’d had it hidden in her outfit as he checked its balance and knew it would fly true to the target.

“Let’s stash this guy with his buddy and then...we go hunting.”

Tony hefted the unconscious Jaffa over his shoulder and followed Vala from the engine room, only pausing outside while she locked the door.

“This will slow down anyone trying to mess with the engines while we’re occupied elsewhere,” she explained.

Vala led the way, her zat at the ready, as they cautiously moved back to the original area of the ship, always aware that there was a third opponent wandering around somewhere. And there he was as they rounded the last corner. He stopped in shock at seeing the prisoners loose and Vala quickly zatted him before he could do more than stare at them.

Vala opened the door to the room which held their first prisoner and Tony dumped his burden inside, then hurried out to drag the third Jaffa in to join their collection. He made short work of hog-tieing the last one, then checked the bonds on the other two.

By then, the first one had regained consciousness and was doing his best to incinerate them with his glare. Tony pulled on his mafioso personality that he’d used in his undercover op with the Macalusos and glared back with his best evil sneer. The prisoner swallowed and quickly averted his eyes.

Vala removed his gag and stood facing him. “Why was I attacked? Who sent you after me?” she demanded. Tony kept the surprise off his face at her regal stance and the cold and commanding voice she used.

“Our Lord Abzu ordered us to capture you,” was the reluctant answer.

“Why me? For what purpose?”

“Lord Baal commanded Lord Ishkur who sent our Lord to bring Qetesh to him. Are you not Qetesh?”

“So, Baal wants me, does he?” Vala’s voice oozed contempt. “Baal is a moron who doesn’t know when to quit. I’ve bested him before, what makes him think he has the upper hand now? He knows better than to come after me himself, so he orders an idiot who sends the most incompetent loser he can find to capture me.

“Where are you taking me?” she demanded.

“To the coordinates given to us by Lord Ishkur. My Lord will give you to him and he will be greatly rewarded for his service.”

“Right. With a dagger in the back of his neck,” Vala snorted. “Your lord is a fool to think he’ll get any other reward for his service.”

The prisoner tried defiance again, but still couldn’t look directly at Tony, who had expertly maintained his enforcer undercover persona. “You cannot defeat our Lord with only that human by your side,” he declared.

Vala threw back her head and laughed. “You really think he’s only a human?” She ran her hand down Tony’s arm and gave him a look of frank appreciation. “Must I remind you that he was able to defeat three Jaffa with no effort at all. Think about that.”

She regagged the prisoner and motioned Tony to follow her out the door which she relocked behind them.

Once out in the corridor, Vala turned to Tony. “You were very impressive in there being the strong, silent type. You just oozed menace.”

Tony shrugged. “What can I say? Undercover is my specialty. It’s how I infiltrated the Mafia in Philadelphia. Started out as hired muscle and worked my way up to be Mike Macaluso’s right hand man. Got the goods on the whole family and he never suspected a thing until he was arrested.”

“You just keep getting more Very Special by the moment. Impressive.” Vala gave him a look that made him feel like she was picturing him naked and he had no problem returning her flirty smile. “Come along, Darling. Eliminate Lord Moron first, sex later.”

Tony grinned back as he followed her up the corridor. “On your six, Boss.”

=============================

They used caution as they moved through the corridors that led to the control room, not knowing if Abzu was monitoring the interior of his ship. Vala figured that like all Goa’uld, Abzu was too arrogant to even think that his prisoners could escape their confinement and overpower his Jaffa. She hoped they could catch him in the control room, unaware of what had been happening.

They paused outside the control room door and Vala turned to Tony and reminded him about the ribbon device and the personal shield. “Can you kill him if you have to?”

Tony took a deep breath and nodded. “If I have to. He’s not the first dirtbag I’ve taken down.”

Vala studied his face. “Good. Let’s do this and find out how close we are to Ishkur’s co-ordinates.” She pulled on her Qetesh persona and opened the door.

As they strode in, they found Abzu seated on a throne-like chair, gazing out the viewscreen at the passing hyperspace. He jumped up in surprise at their sudden appearance and stared at them.

“How did you escape?” he demanded. “Jaffa! Attend!”

“Sorry. They’re all tied up at the moment,” Tony smirked.

“Did you really think you could hold Qetesh prisoner?” Vala scoffed at the idea.

Abzu drew himself up to his full height, which Tony noted wasn’t as tall as his own six foot one. Or as good looking, he snidely thought to himself. “I am your God! Kneel before me!” Abzu commanded.

Tony took in the jewel encrusted robes Abzu was wearing and took special note of a bracelet that ended with a large gem in the palm of his hand. “Is he for real?” Tony wondered aloud, then in a lower voice asked Vala, “Is that that ribbon device you mentioned?”

Vala rolled her eyes and answered, “Unfortunately, yes and yes.” She moved away from Tony’s side, putting some distance between them and Tony readied himself for what might come next. Vala lifted her chin and sneered. “Qetesh bows before no one, especially not an unworthy worm like you.”

Abzu’s eyes flashed golden and he began to raise the arm with the ribbon device, but Tony had been watching for that and he fired a shot at Abzu’s arm at the same time that Vala fired her zat only to watch the bullet and the effect of the blast bounce away from the personal shield Abzu wore. The Goa’uld laughed maniacally and declared, “Fool! To think that you can kill your God!” and began to raise his arm again.

“Him or us!” Vala shouted and Tony’s knife flew from his hand and embedded itself deep into the host’s heart. With a look of shock, Abzu fell over backwards onto the floor and the golden flash in his eyes faded. Tony held his gun at the ready and was about to step forward to check the body when Vala cautioned him to wait.

The body twitched, then the Goa’uld tore itself from it and leaped through the air straight toward Tony. Tony’s excellent reflexes kicked in and he fired his gun at the creature, hitting it with two bullets before it dropped to the floor where he proceeded to unload the rest of his clip into it. He gave an all over body shudder as he looked at what was left of the Goa’uld with distaste.

“Euww. Alive or dead, that thing is absolutely disgusting. This mess definitely calls for a clean-up on aisle one.”

“No problem, Darling.” Vala fired her zat at the mess on the floor three times and it disappeared. At Tony’s look of surprise, she explained, “One shot stuns, two shots kill, and three shots cleans it up.”

“What about him?” Tony nodded toward the host’s body. 

Vala knelt and checked for a pulse, then shook her head and pulled her knife from its chest. “Even if you hadn’t killed him the Goa’uld would have when it left his body. They rarely leave a host alive when they change hosts.” She stood and aimed her zat at the body.

“What are you doing?” Tony stopped her from firing. “We can’t just disappear the guy. What about his family? Someone must be wondering where he is.”

Vala frowned. “What else is there to do with him? We don’t know who he is, where in this galaxy he came from, or even how to find any family he might have.”

“It just doesn’t seem right,” Tony sighed sadly. “He didn’t ask to be a host, did he? He was kidnapped, taken away from everything and everyone he knew. He’s a victim and I became a cop so I could help victims.” He shook his head in resignation. “You’re right. There’s no way we can get his body home again. Do what you have to.”

Tony turned away, then paused. “Vala, what’s that blinking light?”

Vala forgot about the body and hurried to the console where a red light was slowly blinking. “Damn!” she exclaimed. “We’re coming up on the co-ordinates where we’re supposed to meet up with Ishkur. We’ve got about ten minutes before we drop out of hyperspace. How fast a learner are you?”

“As fast as I need to be. What am I learning?”

She led him to another console and began showing him how the weapons platform worked. After having him take a few practice shots, she was satisfied that he would be able to use it effectively. Then she indicated a button at the side of the controls. “That controls the ship’s shield. I want you to hit it as soon as we exit hyperspace. We don’t want any unwelcome visitors ringing over here.”

Tony frowned at the console in front of him. “Targeting, fire, shield, ringing. This reminds me of a movie. Star Wars. Or no, it’s more like Star Trek.” His voice took on a British accent. “Shields at full Mr. La Forge. Arm phasers and photon torpedoes. Fire on my command!” 

He noticed the strange look Vala was giving him and shrugged. “Hey. You deal with tension your way. I’ll deal with it my way.”

Vala grinned. “Oh, I do like you more and more.”

The streaks of light they could see through the viewscreen became fixed points of stars as they exited hyperspace. “Shields at full Mr. DiNozzo,” Vala chuckled and considered the Al’kesh that waited for them.

“Shields at full, Captain. Phasers and photon torpedoes armed and waiting for your command,” Tony replied quietly. He centered their opponent in the targeting device and kept his hands on the weapons controls, waiting for Vala’s next instructions.

“We’re being hailed,” Vala murmured and tapped a button on the console in front of her. The image on the viewscreen changed from a view of the stars outside to the haughty face of a man dressed in elaborate robes.

“Abzu, have you accomplished your purpose?” he demanded.

“You wish,” Vala replied. “Who wants to know?”

The face on the screen registered surprise, then frowned. “I am the God Ishkur. Identify yourself and lower your shields so that my Jaffa can board your vessel.”

“Not a chance, you vile creature. I am Qetesh and you are not worthy to lick my feet. Tell your master Baal that you have failed at your task and throw yourself on his nonexistent mercies.”

“So, Abzu has succeeded in bringing you to me. Where is he?”

“He’s indisposed,” Tony said at the same time that Vala smirked, “He’s been disposed of.”

Tony shrugged and smiled at her. “Po-ta-to, po-tah-to.”

“Go away, Worm Ishkur. You are beneath my notice,” Vala dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

Ishkur’s eyes flashed golden and he glanced away from the screen to address his First Prime. “Destroy their shield and send your men to board that ship and capture Qetesh. Leave no one else alive!”

“Shoot first, ask questions later,” Tony advised.

“Blast a hole through his shield then take out his ship,” Vala agreed as she took the flight controls. “Fire all weapons!”


	2. Chapter 2

Ishkur’s first shot bounced off the edge of their shield as Vala expertly moved her ship away. Tony opened fire at the same time and kept blasting their opponent. It was obvious by the way that Vala maneuvered their ship that she was no novice at flying an Al’kesh. The shots from Ishkur’s ship barely touched their shield and never in the same spot. Tony, on the other hand, proved what an excellent marksman he was as every one of his shots hit Ishkur’s shield dead on until finally it flickered and vanished. His next shots hit the now unprotected ship and small explosions could be seen.

“Finish him off!” Vala ordered, and when Tony hesitated, explained. “You’ve seen what a goa’uld is like. It has no regard for the host it takes or the innocent lives it destroys. You can’t arrest it and I won’t have it on board this ship as a prisoner. The only way to stop its cruelty is to kill it.”

Tony gave a firm nod and opened fire again. His police academy training had taught him that when a violent perp refused to surrender, he needed to stop the perp by any means necessary, even if it meant killing him. His aim was true and the Al’kesh exploded. 

Vala whooped, threw her arms around Tony and began passionately kissing him. Tony returned the kisses as Vala gave a hop and wrapped her legs around his waist. He pulled back for a second and seriously asked, “This is just ‘thank God we’re alive’ sex, right?”

“Absolutely,” Vala replied breathlessly and attached her mouth to his again.

After a few more minutes of groping and kissing, Tony managed to ask, “Does this ship have a bed somewhere?”

In reply, Vala grabbed his arm and dragged him into a nearby room which was opulently decorated and contained an obscenely large bed. They continued undressing each other between gropes and kisses until they ended up naked in the middle of the bed.

=======================

Later Tony opened his eyes and stretched. He didn’t know how long he’d been asleep, whether it had been hours, days or weeks, and he didn’t really care. He felt more rested than he’d felt in a long time. He looked around and realized that his bedpartner was no longer beside him. Just as he was about to get up and go look for her, Vala in all her naked glory came in through the door. Tony gave her a very appreciative up and down look and she grinned back at him.

“Nothing like a healthy round or two of sex to loosen up the joints and invigorate the body,” she stated. “I was beginning to wonder if I’d pleasured you to death.”

Tony grinned back. “Not a chance. There’s a reason my frat brothers nicknamed me ‘Sex Machine’. Get over here,” he gestured at the bed. Vala climbed in and snuggled close to him.

“Where’d you go?” he wondered.

“Back to the control room,” she answered. “I plotted a course to the nearest uninhabited world with a stargate, then locked it in. We’re safe in hyperspace now. It will take about twenty-eight hours to get there.” She hesitated for a moment, then quietly said, “I also took care of that other thing we left undone in the control room.”

Tony knew she was referring to the body of the dead host Abzu had left behind and was saddened that they couldn’t return him to his family. “Nothing else we could do,” he sighed.

They relaxed together for a while, exchanging lazy, gentle kisses between dozing off and on before they decided they were hungry and went looking for food. As they ate, Tony wondered about feeding their prisoners.

“They’re Jaffa. They won’t starve to death any time soon. We can leave food for them when we ring them down to the planet.”

After checking on their prisoners to make sure they were still bound and hadn’t escaped their confinement, they began to explore the rest of the ship. They found three rooms which were obviously the Jaffas’ quarters and after a short argument, during which Tony promised Vala certain incentives, she agreed to allow him to pack up their belongings to be sent to the surface with the Jaffa.

They looked through a few more rooms before Vala decided that it was time for her to collect on those incentives and led Tony back to the main bedroom. They found ways to keep themselves occupied until they heard a chime that signaled they were nearing their destination.

Tony watched Vala reluctantly pull on her clothes and winked at her. “Cheer up, Beautiful. We’re not back on Earth yet.”

“Oh, I like how you think,” Vala grinned then shook her finger at him. “I’m not done with you yet.”

“Good,” Tony grinned back and proceeded to get dressed himself.

=======================

Vala flew over the forested world they had arrived at until she located the clearing where the stargate stood. She kept moving and found another clearing a small distance away, then hovered the ship over the second clearing.

“This is a good spot to ring them down,” she decided. “It will take them at least a day to walk to the gate and by the time they send anyone else here, we’ll be long gone.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Tony answered. “If you get some food and supplies for them, I’ll take their personal belongings to the ring room. Don’t forget to give them some weapons.”

“I can understand the food and belongings, but why give them weapons?”

“They’ll be walking through a forest. There might not be any people on that world, but who knows what kinds of animals live there? They may be the enemy, but I really don’t like the idea of leaving anyone helpless no matter who they are or what they’ve done.”

“You are a kind-hearted and generous person,” Vala stated seriously. “I’ve never met anyone like you before. If you’re not careful, I just might fall in love with you.” 

“Admit it, Vala. Deep inside, you’re kind-hearted too.” Tony hugged her, then sighed. “Let’s unload these losers and head for home.”

==============================

It didn’t take them long to send down the supplies for the Jaffas, and Tony smiled when he saw the three zats Vala had included. They went to retrieve the prisoners and Tony paused long enough to pull on his Mafia enforcer persona while Vala once again became Queen Qetesh. When they entered the room, Tony gave the Jaffa a menacing glare as he removed their gags. 

“Your lord Abzu is dead by the hand of my companion and Ishkur’s ship has been destroyed with everyone on board,” Vala announced.

“How can this be?” one of the Jaffa asked in shock.

Vala smirked while Tony grinned evilly. “And you thought my companion was only a mere human,” she mocked. “Now pay attention. The world below is uninhabited but it does have a stargate about a day’s walk from where I’m leaving you. That should give you enough time to decide where you go from there. I strongly suggest you take the wise choice and go to Chulak and join the Free Jaffa. Your other choice is to go to Baal, admit you lost me and throw yourself on his mercy. Need I remind you that Baal is a cruel master who takes delight in torturing others? He will torture you to death, bring you back to life, then torture you to death again and again.

“Now, if I release your feet, will you walk quietly to the ring room or will I have to zat you and drag you there one at a time?”

The prisoners looked at each other in resignation and one answered, “We will go quietly, Queen Qetesh.”

Tony cut the ropes holding their feet and they slowly got up from their cramped position. They docilely led the way to the ring room, but when they arrived their spokesman asked, “Will you not release our hands also?”

“You’ll be able to get each other free when you arrive on the surface. Good-by Gentlemen. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.” With that, Vala hit the control for the rings. The last thing they saw before they were transported was Tony’s smile as he waved at them.

=============================

 

“Teal’c, old buddy! How was Chulak?” Mitchell enthusiastically greeted the large Jaffa as he exited the stargate under Cheyenne Mountain.

“I bring word of Vala Mal Doran,” Teal’c calmly replied.

The members of SG-1 quickly gathered in the conference room overlooking the stargate to hear his report.

“Vala disappeared on Earth. How did she get to Chulak?” Daniel wanted to know.

Teal’c began his report. “Late yesterday, three Jaffa warriors came through the gate on Chulak, bringing word of her. They had captured her on Earth as ordered by their Lord Abzu and were flying toward the coordinates given to them to deliver her to Ishkur who would then deliver her to Baal. However, Vala Mal Doran managed to escape her confinement on the ship with the aid of the human man who was with her. The human overcame all three of them, then killed Abzu with his bare hands and destroyed Ishkur’s ship. 

“Vala Mal Doran released them on an uninhabited world with a stargate and advised them to come to Chulak and join the Free Jaffa since Baal would not be merciful to them for allowing her to escape. That was the last time they saw her and could not speculate on where she had gone from there.”

“Who was the man that was with her?” Sam wondered.

“They never heard his name and he never said a word in their presence but they described him as a mighty warrior. According to them, he was more than seven feet tall and had the strength of ten men. Their zats did not affect him. Though they fought him together, he defeated them with very little effort.”

Mitchell frowned. “If they hadn’t said he was human, I’d say he sounded like he was a member of the Sodan. But the Sodan are Jaffa, unless he was trained by them which is possible.”

Teal’c bowed his head in acknowledgment of Mitchell’s observation. “He is a formidable warrior indeed, especially if he can kill a goa’uld with no weapon other than his hands.”

“If their story’s true,” Daniel added.

“We’ll just have to wait for Ms Mal Doran’s return to find out,” Landry decided.

============================


	3. Chapter 3

**Meanwhile—somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy**

 

Tony wrapped his arm around Vala’s waist and snugged her against his side as they strolled from the ring room to the control room.

“Now that we’ve tossed out the trash, what’s next on the agenda, lovely lady?” he asked.

“Now I plot a course for this lovely little world I know where we can hide my ship. Then we go through the gate back to Earth.”

“Why not fly the ship all the way?”

“Because the SGC will want it for themselves, the greedy bastards. They’ve already got a ship of their own. Though I did steal it from them. And anyway they took it back,” she pouted.

Tony couldn’t help laughing as they entered the control room. “You stole their ship?”

“Of course, Darling. I’m a thief. That’s what I do.” She shrugged and sat down to plot their new course.

Tony shook his head. “You really shouldn’t be saying things like that to me. I am a cop after all and I just might have to arrest you.”

“Oooh,” Vala smirked. “Will that involve handcuffs?”

Tony gave a bark of laughter. “That depends. Are you going to resist arrest?”

“I couldn’t possibly resist you,” Vala answered in a sultry voice and gave him a smoldering look. She turned back to the console, pushed a button and the pinpricks of stars on the viewscreen turned to streaks of light. “Course is locked in and we should arrive in about three days. Come on. All this excitement makes me hungry for something other than food.”

======================

Later they lay sated and relaxed in Abzu’s enormous bed. After Tony caught his breath, his curiosity overcame him. “You stole their ship? The ship belonging to the SGC?”

Vala snuggled closer and chuckled. “Brace yourself. At that time I was also a weapons dealer. The Lucian Alliance was building up their fleet and they offered me a case of weapons-grade naquadah if I would bring them a ship. I had an Al’kesh, don’t ask how I got it, and I parked it next to a derelict cargo ship on a route I knew was well traveled. I sabotaged the engine, sent out a fake distress signal and waited.

“Along came the Prometheus. I put on some Kull armor, and you really don’t want to know how I acquired that. Marvelous stuff, nothing penetrates it. When the Prometheus got close enough, I ringed over, zatted the entire crew and ringed them over to my ship. Oh, don’t look at me like that.”

“Like how?” 

“Like I’m a terrible person. I didn’t kill anyone. All I did was steal their ship. Unfortunately, somehow I overlooked Daniel and he confronted me in the control room. Oh, we had a marvelous fight. He does know hand to hand, but I know how to fight dirty and I did. I won the first round, but I’d foolishly taken off the Kull armor. Somehow, he got hold of a zat and I woke up locked in a holding cell.

“You’re definitely much more fun than Daniel. I tease and flirt with him and all he does is get flustered and embarrassed. He has no idea what to do with me. He’s such a prude. At least you flirt back.”

Tony smiled and nuzzled her neck. “Flirting’s fun. I do it all the time. Sadly, some people don’t realize that it’s not meant to be taken seriously.”

“Well, he certainly thinks I’m serious. At least we both know it’s all in fun, though if we keep on with it, it might start getting serious.”

Tony gave her a rueful smile. “As much as I’m enjoying your company and you seem to be enjoying mine, I don’t think either one of us is ready to give up the life we lead. I love my job even if I’m not overjoyed with my co-workers right now. And I think you enjoy your life as it is.”

“You’re right,” Vala smiled. “I can’t see myself confined to one city for long. But you would make an excellent space pirate.” 

“Space pirate? No. Space cop. I can picture it now. Space Cop DiNozzo, bringing law and order to the stars along with truth, justice and the American way.”

They both burst into laughter until they were wiping tears from their eyes. Their merriment came to an abrupt halt at the sound of an alarm and they realized the easily ignored background noise of the engine had ceased.

“Damn, the hyperdrive’s gone offline!” Vala exclaimed as she jumped out of bed and ran for the control room. Tony wrapped the sheet around himself and grabbed his shirt as he followed her.

He found her sitting at one of the consoles pushing buttons. She slapped her hand down one last time and declared, “Damn piece of damn Goa’uld crap! We need to go to the engine room.”

She stood and he handed her his shirt which she slipped on with a quick thanks as she hurried out the door. When they reached the engine room, they saw thin wisps of smoke coming from one of the wall panels. 

Vala grabbed a cylinder shaped object and aimed it at the panel. “Their version of your fire extinguisher,” she explained. She pulled the panel open and began spraying the crystals inside. When the smoke cleared, she glared at two blackened crystals and snarled out several words in a foreign language Tony had never heard before.

“What happened?” he asked. “And I don’t think I want to know what you just said.”

“These crystals that run the hyperdrive have burnt out. Damn!” She moved over to some bins in the corner and growled out more Goa’uld curse words as she opened each one only to find them all empty. “What the hell kind of stupid morons don’t carry spare parts for their engines?” she bit out in disgust.

“Whoa, does that mean it can’t be fixed and we’re stuck out here?”

“No. I mean the hyperdrive engine can’t be fixed but we still have the sublight engine. Hopefully.”

Vala pulled a different wall panel open and carefully examined the crystals inside. She breathed a sigh of relief and declared these crystals in good shape. She went to one of the consoles, pushed some buttons and was rewarded with the sound of an engine that was running smoothly.

“Relax, At least we’re not stranded though it will take closer to ten days to reach that world I told you about. That is, as long as the sublight engine doesn’t malfunction.”

Tony sighed in relief. “That’s good to know. And good that you know how to repair a space ship. I’m not mechanically inclined at all. Hell, I take my car in to my mechanic even if it only needs an oil change.”

Vala patted his cheek. “That’s all right, Darling. With your looks and that body, you don’t need to know how to repair things.”

“Hey,” Tony protested. “There’s more to me than meets the eye.”

“Oh, I know. Not only are you brave and kind, you’ve shown that you’re very clever too. You’ve certainly proved that you’re more than a brainless bed partner. You know when to take charge and when to step back and let someone more experienced take charge. I like that about you.”

“Well, thank you, Ma’am. It’s nice to be acknowledged as more than a skirt-chasing frat boy.”

“Come on, Handsome. I need to check our course in the control room. Then I’m dying to know what goodies Abzu has hidden away in his storerooms.”

“On your six, Boss,” Tony agreed and followed her out the door.

=======================

After a quick stop in the control room to check their course, they decided it was time for a meal, so they got dressed and headed for the kitchen. While they ate, Vala told him about how she ended up joining Stargate Command’s premier team. She filled him in on the other team members, but seemed to spend extra time talking about Dr. Daniel Jackson.

“Are you in love with Daniel?” Tony smiled knowingly.

“No. Maybe a little. I don’t know. I do love teasing him. Whether he’ll ever return my feelings, who knows.” Vala quickly changed the focus of the conversation. “What about you? Are you in love with someone?”

“I’ve been in love. Twice,” he admitted. “ The first time, she called me up the night before the wedding and told me it was off. She wasn’t ready to get married. She stuck me with notifying the guests and returning the gifts.”

“That was rude.”

“That was Wendy,” he shrugged.

“That’s not the only time your heart was broken,” Vala wisely noted.

Tony sighed and stared out the viewport for a moment. “My director sent me on an undercover op to get intel on an arms dealer. My mission was to get close to his daughter and find out where he was and when he’d be back in the states. Jeanne was a doctor in a local hospital. She was pretty, intelligent, compassionate. I committed the ultimate undercover sin. I fell in love with her.

“I refused to admit to myself that it would end badly. And when it ended, it was bad. She had no idea what her father really did for a living. I had to tell her who I really was and she wasn’t happy about my deception. The director sent a team to his yacht to arrest him, but he wasn’t there. I went to Jeanne’s apartment to talk to her and all I found was a note telling me to choose my job or her. 

“A couple months later, his body was fished out of the bay. He had a bullet hole in his head. Jeanne told the FBI that she saw me shoot him. The director got her to confess that she was lying about seeing me. She was just so angry at me, she wanted to hurt me as much as I’d hurt her. That whole mess ended a couple days before I saw you in the park and we got grabbed.”

“Will you try to find her and set things right?” Vala wondered.

“Rule eleven. When the job is done, walk away. This job is definitely done,” Tony shrugged. “I’ll get over it. Actually you’re helping me get over it. I’ve certainly had plenty of other things to occupy my mind, and to be honest, this is the first time I’ve even thought about Jeanne.”

“Glad I could help,” Vala smiled gently at him. “What say we go on a treasure hunt? There’s nothing like a shopping spree to lighten a heavy heart especially when you don’t have to pay for anything.”

==========================


	4. Chapter 4

They spent the next days going through the Al’kesh room by room. One room was filled with gaudy fabrics and garish clothing. Tony held up a glittering robe and frowned. 

“Even Elvis wouldn’t wear something like this.” He held up a second one and grimaced. “And there’s no way Elton John would be caught dead in these outfits.” He gave a full body shudder.

“Like I said,” Vala chuckled, “no one ever accused the Goa’uld of having good taste.”

Tony held up a gown that had very little fabric to it and what was there was so filmy it was almost transparent. “Wow. Talk about Arabian Nights harem girl. You know, I can just picture you wearing this.”

Vala took one look at it and grinned. “That’s exactly the sort of garment Qetesh loved to wear. I lost all sense of personal modesty long before I got rid of her.”

“I got over being body-shy after I hit puberty and grew a little,” Tony said thoughtfully. “Course with being sent to all-boys boarding schools, then being in sports in college. Boy’s locker rooms don’t exactly give you anywhere to hide.”

“Oooo, I bet I could find places to hide in a boy’s locker room.”

“I bet you could,” Tony laughed.

The next room they checked, held some crates of gold and jewels. 

“Finally! Sparkly baubles,” Vala exclaimed as she pulled a necklace from one of the crates. “Now this is what I expected to find. I was beginning to wonder about Abzu. The Goa’uld are known to have huge ships filled to the brim with gold, silver, precious gems and exotic fabrics, hundreds of Jaffa and even more human slaves to serve their ‘gods’. They possess enormous palaces on several worlds overflowing with even more riches. Poor Abzu was a pauper compared to most of the older Goa’uld.”

“So, did Qetesh have all those things?” Tony asked as he rummaged through some of the other crates.

“Well, she had a luxurious temple to live in. The nearby town had plenty of people to use as slaves, servants and laborers. And she had enough Jaffa to keep them all in line. But she only had one world to rule over and only one Al’kesh instead of a fleet.”

“Is that the usual?”

Vala shrugged. “Male Goa’ulds don’t think queens are useful for much more than providing primta for their Jaffa. So they confine them to small territories until they need them. I think somewhere in their past, the queens gained power over the males and this is their way of making sure it doesn’t happen again. Once in a while, a male will take a queen as his consort, like Apophis did with Amonet, but that doesn’t happen often.”

They finally ended up back in the room where they had confined their prisoners and Vala had a chance to really look in the two crates that were there.

“Jackpot!” she exclaimed. “These things are all Ancient!”

“They don’t look all that old,” Tony remarked doubtfully.

“Not old ancient,” Vala laughed. “These are Ancient ancient.” Then at Tony’s look of confusion, she explained. “The Ancients were a race that died out long before the Goa’uld were even around. They built the stargates and left bits and pieces of their technology around on different planets in this galaxy. Of course, the Goa’uld claim they built the stargate system and invented all sorts of marvelous things. 

“The truth is, they found technologies left behind by the Ancients and adapted them so only they could use them. For example, that personal shield, the ribbon device, and a healing device. Even the zats were inspired by Ancient hand weapons.”

“Pretty egotistical of them,” Tony remarked and looked closer at the items in the crates. “Do you know what any of these things are?”

“Not really, but I have seen one like this.” Vala held up a small white object, similar in shape to a thumb drive, only a little larger. “I’m told this is some sort of recording device.”

She handed it to Tony and it immediately lit up. He froze and asked, “Did I do something I shouldn’t have?”

“Not at all, Darling,” Vala grinned in delight. “You have the gene. They call it the ATA gene. The Ancient Technology Activation gene. Somewhere in your past, you have an Ancient in your family tree.”

“Oh Lord. I hope Senior doesn’t have this gene. He’d probably go on tour as The Magnificent DiNozzo and charge people big bucks to watch him light things up.”

Vala laughed. “Sounds like something my father would do.”

“Our fathers are both conmen, huh?” Tony smiled in sympathy and started to hand the object back to Vala.

She waved him away. “Keep it. You’ve earned at least a little compensation for helping me. Besides, don’t Earthers always bring back souvenirs from their vacations? Just don’t let the SGC know you have it. They’ll want it so they can study how it works. And you’ll never see it again.”

Tony examined the little device more closely. “I wonder how this works. There don’t seem to be any on or off buttons.”

“The scientists think there’s also a mental component that allowed someone with the gene to use their tech.”

“Really?” Tony pointed the device at Vala and said, “Record.”

The device began blinking and Vala started doing sexy poses ending with blowing him a kiss and laughing.

“Playback,” Tony murmured and a tiny Vala appeared above the device duplicating her actions. “Now that’s what I call a souvenir. I am definitely keeping this. You’re sure it’s all right? They won’t think I stole it.”

“You didn’t steal it. We captured this ship fair and square and everything on it now belongs to us. Just make sure it’s not on anywhere around the SGC or they’ll confiscate it. Greedy bastards. As long as it isn’t lit up, it just looks like a piece of pretty stone.”

Tony thought off at it and considered it carefully. “You’re right. I’ll just tell them it’s my lucky piece that I’ve been carrying around with me since I was a kid.”

“There you go.”

“Besides, even if they did take it, I’d still have my memories.” He wrapped his arms around her and began swaying as he softly sang,

“The way you wear your hat, The way you sip your tea  
The memory of all that, No they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams, The way you sing off key  
The way you haunt my dreams, No they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love  
But I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife, The way we danced till three  
The way you changed my life, No they can't take that away from me  
No they can't take that away from me.”

Vala was visibly charmed by his actions and rewarded him with a kiss. 

“And I will always remember you and the time we’ve spent together.”

========================

The next day found them flying over another forested planet. Vala obviously had been here before and she approached a rock outcropping. She expertly maneuvered the ship into a nearly invisible opening and settled it inside a large cave.

“Well, here we are,” Vala sighed. “It will take about an hour to walk to the gate from here. I’ve never seen any vicious animals in this area and the world has always been uninhabited, so we should be perfectly safe.”

“I think we should use caution anyway,” Tony advised. “You don’t know who or what has shown up since the last time you were here.”

Vala nodded her agreement and they began gathering their things and locking down the ship.

Once they stepped away from the cliff, Tony took a good look at the forest surrounding the small clearing they’d used to access the cave.

“This looks like the set for the TV show Bonanza. Any minute I expect to see the Cartwrights riding their horses down the trail,” Tony mused, then noticed the strange look Vala was giving him. “Hey, it’s a classic,” he defended himself.

“Well then,” Vala commented, “the sooner we saddle up, the sooner we get to the gate.”

They traded light hearted banter as they followed what looked like a game trail through the trees. Even so, they both remained aware of their surroundings. After walking for almost an hour, they entered a clearing and Tony stared in awe at the huge stone ring that stood there.

“Is that the stargate?” he asked.

“That’s the stargate,” Vala answered and led him over to a pedestal near it. “Never, never stand close in front of it when it activates,” she cautioned.

Vala began pressing symbols on the pedestal and Tony startled when the stone ring began to ponderously spin. Then she pressed the large red stone in the center of the pedestal and a wave of what looked like liquid whooshed out from the middle of the gate. It fell back and left the gate looking like a blue pool of water standing on its side.

“Wow, that is impressive,” Tony breathed. “I can see why it’s not smart to stand directly in front of it. Now what?”

“Now, we find out if the SGC will acknowledge my IDC and open the iris to let us in. If not, we’ll have to go to the Alpha site.”

==========================

Back on Earth, Sgt. Walter Harriman announced, “Unscheduled activation” as the gate began to spin. Landry appeared at his side and asked, “Do we know who it is?”

“IDC coming in now, Sir,” Walter replied, then turned in astonishment. “It belongs to Vala Mal Doran!”

Landry hesitated for a moment, then ordered double security to the gateroom. When the men had arrived and taken up positions, he told Walter, “Open the iris and send the all clear to whoever has that IDC. Be ready to close the iris again immediately if necessary.”

“Yes, Sir,” Walter agreed and after opening the iris sent the signal.

===================

Vala smiled in satisfaction. “We’ve got an all clear. Come along, Darling. Back to Earth we go.”

Tony hesitated in front of the gate and looked at it suspiciously. Vala gave him a moment to think about it, then sighed.

“Come on. You faced down a Goa’uld wanting to make you his next host. Stepping through the gate is nothing compared to that. People do it all the time.” She took his hand and led him through the gate.

“To boldly go,” Tony muttered and followed her only to come to an abrupt halt on the other side and throw his hands up in surrender when he came face to face with a dozen soldiers aiming their weapons at him.

“Don’t shoot him!” Vala cried out. “You can’t shoot him! He saved me from a fate worse than death!”

===============================================================

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "They Can't Take That Away from Me" is a 1937 popular song with music by George Gershwin and lyrics by Ira Gershwin.


	5. Chapter 5

General Landry entered the gateroom and Vala rushed over to him. 

“Tell your men to be nice to Tony, General!” she demanded then added dramatically, “He saved me from a fate worse than death!”

Landry raised an eyebrow. “So you said.” He turned to Tony who remained at the top of the ramp with his hands raised and commanded, “Identify yourself.”

“NCIS Special Agent Anthony D. DiNozzo, Jr.,” Tony promptly answered. “My I.D. and badge are in my right inside jacket pocket. My weapon is in a shoulder holster on my left side.”

Landry nodded to one of the soldiers who handed off his weapon and approached Tony cautiously. As the man pulled Tony’s handgun from the holster, Tony smiled at him and said, “Hey. How’s it going?”

The soldier merely handed the weapon to one of the other men and reached into Tony’s pocket for his credentials. “You know, I usually get dinner and a movie first.”

The man remained serious and didn’t even blink as he withdrew the items and walked back down the ramp to hand them to the general. “Wow,” Tony frowned and slowly lowered his hands. “Talk about a tough audience.”

Landry checked over the I.D. then ordered his men to escort Vala and Tony to medical.

“Medical?” Tony asked and looked at Vala. “We’re not hurt or sick, are we?”

Vala smiled and linked her arm through Tony’s. “Standard procedure, Darling. Everyone who comes through the gate has to get an x-ray to make sure we’re not bringing in any Goa’uld hitch-hikers.”

“Good idea,” Tony sighed. “Lead the way.”

Landry stopped one of the men and ordered him, “Bring Ms. Mal Doran to the conference room as soon as she’s finished with her exam. Keep DiNozzo in medical until I call for him.”

The man nodded and followed the rest out of the gateroom.

=====================

O’Neill had been notified about Vala’s return with a stranger and he had the Daedalus beam him from his office in D.C. to the SGC where he joined Landry and the SG-1 team in the conference room.

“So Vala’s back and she’s brought a boyfriend home with her to meet the family,” O’Neill smirked and sat at the table beside Landry. He noted that SG-1 was seated on the opposite side of the table from him which left empty seats on his side, presumably for Vala and her guest.

“Jack,” Daniel frowned. “He’s not her boyfriend. We don’t even know who he is.”

“I’ve asked Walter to run a background check on him,” Landry told them.

“Which probably still won’t tell us how he ended up with Vala,” Mitchell commented.

“Or how he ended up with those Jaffa she sent to Chulak,” Sam added.

A few minutes later, Vala breezed into the room and gave them all a sunny smile.

“Did you miss me?” she grinned at them and plopped down in one of the empty chairs.

“How much does he know about the SGC?” Landry began questioning her.

“Everything I know, of course.” Vala wondered about the hostile feeling she was getting from the general.

Landry frowned. “You told him all about the Stargate Program?”

“Be nice,” Vala pouted. “Why not? After all, he did save me...”

“From a fate worse than death,” Landry interrupted her. “Yes, I know. The fact remains that you informed an unvetted stranger about the program.”

At that point, Walter entered and handed a folder to O’Neill. “Agent DiNozzo’s background check, Sir.”

“Thank you, Walter,” O’Neill smiled and opened the folder. The others waited while he thumbed through the pages.

“Seven years with NCIS,” O’Neill began reading. “Six years as a cop before that. Rather impressive solve and conviction rate. Participation in several classified ops. Decently high clearance rating. I’d say it was all right for Vala to read him in to the program.”

“Well, it seemed rather foolish not to tell him everything. After all, he’d been abducted by a Goa’uld and was on an Al’kesh.” It was obvious Vala felt justified in giving him the information. 

“What was his reaction to what you told him?” Mitchell asked.

“He said I broke his brain,” Vala smiled fondly. “Then he shook it off and said ‘Escape now, freak out later’. I really don’t think he’s going to freak out. He stayed calm and steady the whole time, no matter what was happening.”

O’Neill turned to Landry. “If he’s done in medical, let’s get him in here.”

======================

Tony sat on a bed in medical and waited to be told the results of his x-ray. An attractive woman wearing a lab coat approached him and he turned on the charm.

“Nice place you have here, Nurse.....,” he smiled.

“It’s Doctor, not Nurse,” she coolly informed him. “Now, Mr. DiNozzo, if you’ll roll up your sleeve so I can get a blood sample.”

“Whoa!” Tony pulled back in surprise. “Nobody said anything about a blood sample. And it’s Agent not mister.”

“Point taken,” she agreed. “I’m Dr. Carolyn Lam and I’m in charge of this infirmary. Everyone returning through the stargate gets an x-ray and blood drawn to check for any off-world disease you might have inadvertently picked up. So roll up your sleeve.”

“I can understand that. But I have a real thing about needles ever since I got the plague.”

“You had the plague?” she asked in a skeptical tone of voice.

“Yeah. Some crazy woman that owned a pharmaceutical company bioengineered it and sent it to my office. I opened the envelope and, thanks to the excellent care from my doctor, survived it. He even wrote it up in one of the medical journals. It seemed like they were jabbing needles in me, drawing blood every hour on the hour.”

“Well, I can understand your aversion to needles, but I still need a sample of your blood.”

Tony sighed in defeat, rolled up his sleeve and fluttered his eyelashes at her. “Be gentle with me,” he said.

Dr. Lam got her sample and walked away without even smiling once. Tony glumly rolled his sleeve back down and sighed again. “I doubt even Senior could charm this audience. That’s the last lady doctor I try to impress.”

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been waiting when he noticed a soldier talking to Dr. Lam. She nodded and pointed toward Tony. The lieutenant approached him and addressed him respectfully.

“If you’d come with me, Mr. DiNozzo. The general is ready to speak with you.”

“Let’s get this show on the road,” Tony murmured as they headed down the corridor. “And it’s Agent not mister. You wouldn’t want me to call you mister instead of lieutenant.”

The lieutenant paused in surprise then nodded. “You’re entirely correct, sir. My apologies.”

Tony was ushered into a large conference room where he was greeted by an exuberant Vala.

“Tony! There you are, Darling. I told them not to hurt you. They didn’t hurt you, did they?” She took his hand and led him over to the table where she began pointing at the people seated there. 

“That’s General Landry, you saw him in the gateroom. That’s General O’Neill.”

O’Neill held up three fingers and added, “That’s O’Neill with two ells.”

Tony nodded at him and thought ‘At least somebody seems like they might have a sense of humor.’

Vala continued introductions. “That’s Colonel Cameron Mitchell, Colonel Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Teal’c. Everyone, this is Tony without whom I wouldn’t be here now because he saved me from a fate worse than death.” She gave Landry a defiant look and pulled Tony into the chair next to hers.

“Welcome to Stargate Command,” O’Neill nodded at him.

“Before we go any further, Mister DiNozzo, we need to know that you understand that this whole project is highly classified. You need to be willing to sign and abide by the Nondisclosure Agreement we will give you,” General Landry stated.

“It’s Agent DiNozzo,” Tony coolly replied and stressed the word agent. “And I do know the meaning of classified, need to know, if I tell you I’ll have to kill you. This won’t be the first NDA I’ve signed.”

“Told you, Hank,” O’Neill smirked from where he lounged in his seat. “Agent DiNozzo’s already got a pretty high clearance rating.”

“Fine,” Landry grudgingly agreed. “Let’s get on with this. Agent DiNozzo, how did you end up with Ms. Mal Doran?”

“Call me Tony,” he smiled. “I was taking a walk in the park near my home.”

Tony proceeded to tell the basic facts of the story as if he were writing a case report for NCIS, leaving out most of the details of exactly how they escaped and took over the ship. Vala added a comment here and there, but when he reached the part where Ishkur’s ship was destroyed, she couldn’t restrain her enthusiasm. 

“He was magnificent! He never hesitated for a moment. He’s a fantastic shot even though he’d never used a weapons platform before. Very sexy.” She gave Tony a smoldering look.

“I was inspired by my companion,” he replied and wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“Oh my God, Vala. You seduced him?” Daniel groaned.

“I’d say it was entirely mutual and extremely satisfying,” and Tony and Vala grinned at each other.

“Oh God!” Daniel slapped his hand over his face.

Tony looked at him in concern. “You’ve never had ‘Thank God we’re alive’ sex?”

“The best kind,” Mitchell murmured quietly.

Sam bobbed her head up and down in agreement then exchanged ‘I’m so innocent, I’d never do anything like that’ looks with O’Neill.

Tony pointed at Mitchell and said, “I’m with you.”

Teal’c merely raised one eyebrow as everyone except Daniel and Landry smirked.

Landry cleared his throat. “Could we get back on topic, people?”

“Sorry, Boss,” Tony said quietly and grimaced when everyone looked at him. “Er, I mean General. Sir.” 

Vala decided to help Tony out and continued the story. “To use Tony’s words, we tossed out the trash and headed for home. Did those three Jaffa decide to go to Chulak?”

“Indeed,” Teal’c assured her and repeated the words he had previously told SG-1.

Tony could only stare at him in disbelief as he listened to the way the Jaffa had described him. He could hear Vala giggling and when he turned to look at her, she threw back her head and burst into unrestrained laughter that had him quickly joining in.

“Oh my God,” Tony gasped and wiped a tear from his eye. “Oh no, no, no. That’s not even close to what happened.” He turned to Vala. “Sounds like they were too embarrassed to admit they lost to us. You just had to tease them that your companion wasn’t just a mere human.”

“So tell us what really happened,” O’Neill smiled.

“Vala got the door unlocked,” Tony started. “When it opened, one of the guys was standing on the other side. So I sucker-punched him. We traded blows and somehow Vala got his zat and zapped him. The whole thing didn’t last longer than a couple of minutes. We went to the engine room and that guy didn’t even look up when the door opened. Vala zapped him. We ran into the third guy in the corridor and Vala zapped him before he could even react to our presence. I certainly did not fight all three of them at the same time.”

“What about killing a Goa’uld with your bare hands?” Mitchell asked.

“That thing tore itself out of the poor host and jumped right at me,” Tony answered with a grimmace. “So I shot it. I emptied my whole clip into it. That was really disgusting, before and after.”

“Amen to that,” O’Neill agreed.

“Tony took to the weapons platform like a pro and made short work of Ishkur’s ship,” Vala added. “At least that part of their story was true.”

“Oh, hey,” Tony turned to Teal’c. “Don’t tell anybody else what really happened. Those poor guys must feel bad enough losing to a couple of humans. There’s no need to rub it in and make them feel worse.”

Teal’c bowed his head in acknowledgement. “You are indeed a mighty warrior to show such mercy to those you have defeated. I will not speak about the truth of this matter to anyone.”

Walter slipped into the room and handed Landry a piece of paper, then slipped back out just as quietly as he’d arrived. Landry frowned at the note then handed it to O’Neill with a look of disgust. O’Neill’s eyebrows rose as he read it before addressing the rest of the room.

“Dr. Lam just sent us the results of Agent DiNozzo’s blood test.” He looked at Tony and smiled. “You have the ATA gene at a strength somewhere in between mine and Sheppard’s.”

Tony managed to look suitably confused. “ATA gene? What’s that? Is it contagious? Good, bad, indifferent? What?”

“Oh it’s a very good thing to have,” O’Neill reassured him. “It enables you to use Ancient tech.”

Tony continued to look as though he had no clue what O’Neill was talking about, so O’Neill sighed and said, “Explain it to him, Danny.”

Daniel gave a resigned sigh of his own and launched into his speech about the Ancients, their tech and the gene that enabled them to use it. Tony listened with such a look of rapt fascination that it was all Vala could do to keep a straight face. 

“Wow,” he breathed in awe when Daniel finished. “Sure hope I didn’t get it from Senior. He’d find some way to use it to make money.”

“Isn’t he wonderful,” Vala gushed. “Can we keep him?”

“With the strength of gene you have and your experience in law enforcement, we could really use you in the program,” O’Neill stated while Landry shook his head in resignation.

“What would I be doing?” Tony wondered.

“Well, you’d be activating Ancient tech for the scientists so they can study it. And we can add you to our security teams.”

Vala looked at him hopefully. “Say yes, Darling.”

Tony sighed in regret. “Vala, I already have a job. I find justice for Marines, sailors and their families. I think that’s a lot more important than being a...a lightswitch for a bunch of geeks. In spite of my griping, I’m not ready to move on from NCIS.”

“Oh, can’t we keep him anyway?” Vala pouted.

“For God’s sake, Vala,” Daniel rolled his eyes at her. “He’s not a stray puppy that followed you home.”

“And,” O’Neill sternly added, “we’re not in the business of kidnapping civilians and holding them prisoner against their will.”

“Fine,” Vala grumbled.

“We’ll get you that NDA to sign,” O’Neill started to say just as Walter came in with a folder that he put down in front of Tony. 

“This is the nondisclosure agreement, Sir. If you’ll just sign and initial where indicated,” Walter advised. He directed his next comment to the generals. “Is it all right to return Agent DiNozzo’s cell phone to him, Sirs? There were no outgoing messages, only incoming.”

“Wait. You checked my messages? That means my phone was on,” Tony groaned. “Knowing Abby, she’s got a program running that will pinpoint my exact location the moment my phone pings on her computer.”

“Relax,” Landry was unconcerned. “The Mountain has jammers running that don’t allow cell phone signals in or out.”

“Thank goodness,” Tony sighed in relief. “Are there a lot of messages?”

“There were 20 voice mails and 37 text messages from an A Scuito, 7 voice mails and 10 texts from a T McGee, 5 voice mails and 3 texts from a Z David, and one voice mail from an LJ Gibbs,” Walter recited from memory and handed him his phone. 

“The Boss left me a voice mail?” Tony took his phone and began scrolling through the messages until he found the one from Gibbs. He worriedly pressed speaker and listened to his boss’ voice.

_'DiNozzo. You’ve earned your time off, so shut off your phone and ignore any calls from your team. See you when you get back.'_

“Wow,” Tony breathed in wonder. “The world as we know it is ending. Gibbs just gave me permission to break Rule Three, never be unreachable.”

“Get those papers signed,” O’Neill ordered. “I’ll be flying back to Washington in the morning. I’ll give you a ride.” 

He stood and headed for the door which signaled that the meeting was over and everyone except Vala and Walter followed him out.

“While you’re signing, I’ll arrange guest quarters for the night,” Walter informed him and also left.

“When you’re done, I’ll take you to the mess hall to eat,” Vala said then wrinkled her nose. “I have no idea why they call it a ‘mess’ hall.”

“Because military food is usually a mess,” Tony smiled and began reading the NDA.

===============================================================


	6. Chapter 6

It was almost noon the next day when O’Neill collected Tony for the drive to Peterson Air Force Base. Tony was surprised when O’Neill’s car pulled up beside a private plane and he was directed to board.

“Wow. A private plane,” he commented. “I was expecting to fly out on a troop carrier.”

O’Neill smiled smugly. “Being a general has it’s privileges. Course, I’d rather be the pilot than the passenger. Have a seat. We’ll be taking off pretty soon.”

As the plane rose into the air, Tony remarked, “This is a much smoother ride than the transports.”

“When were you on a transport?”

“That’s the only way NCIS flies to other locations for our cases,” Tony grimaced. Then he got a pleased look on his face. “Except this one case we had, we had to go to Gitmo and we were sent on a Gulf Stream. Now that was a sweet ride.”

Once they leveled off, an airman entered the cabin and offered them sandwiches and drinks. After serving them, he disappeared back up front, leaving them their privacy. 

As they finished their meal, O’Neill commented, “Sorry you ended up in the middle of this mess.”

“Are you kidding?” Tony grinned. “This has been my best vacation ever!”

“If this has been your best vacation, I hate to think what your other ones were like.”

“This one sure beat Spring breaks with my frat brothers, getting drunk every evening, trying to pick up a girl for a one night stand. I feel alive and energized after spending time with Vala.”

O’Neill cleared his throat. “Speaking of Vala, security noticed her sneaking out of your room in the wee hours of this morning. Is she this vacation’s one night stand?”

Tony frowned at the note of disapproval in O’Neill’s voice. “We’re both adults and civilians. Is she in trouble for sleeping with me?”

“Nah.” O’Neill relaxed back in his seat. “In spite of the crazy way she acts, I don’t think she’s as tough as she pretends. I just don’t want to see her get hurt.”

“Well, don’t worry. We had plenty of time to talk on our way back to Earth and we decided that we’re just good friends with benefits and this was just an extended one night stand for both of us. Besides, she’s got her eye on Daniel.”

O’Neill sighed. “It’s hard not to notice that. But he’s still grieving for his dead wife and I don’t know that he’ll ever be ready to get interested in anyone else.”

“His loss,” Tony shrugged. “Vala is one hell of a woman. I really admire her. She’s strong, resourceful and can keep cool in the middle of a dangerous situation. Did you know she was a host for one of those things for fifty years?”

“I knew she’d been a host, but she never said for how long.”

“She said most of them suppress the host’s mind, but that bitch Qetesh got her jollies by keeping Vala aware of what her body was doing. I’m amazed that she still had any sanity left by the time she was freed. She’s a survivor and I can’t help being impressed by her.”

“After finding this out, I guess I can forgive her eccentricities,” O’Neill agreed.

After a few moments of contemplating the enigma of Vala, O’Neill gave Tony a serious look and said, “Tell me the truth. You knew all about the ATA gene, didn’t you.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” was Tony’s innocent answer.

“Gotta say. You’re damn good at undercover. You had everyone convinced.”

“Except you apparently. What gave me away?”

“I’ve done my share of special ops and undercover. Do it long enough, you get to know what to look for. I saw that little sideways look you and Vala gave each other when I mentioned the gene. So what kind of Ancient tech did old BooBoo have on his ship?”

“Abzu. No, you’re right. BooBoo is more like it.” Tony carefully considered his answer. “He had a couple crates of odds and ends that Vala told me were Ancient tech. And one or two might have lit up when I touched them.”

O’Neill looked skeptical. “And you’re gonna tell me you didn’t keep any of them?”

Tony tried not to squirm under the other man’s stern gaze. “What would you do if I...theoretically...kept one? One that definitely was not a weapon of any kind. One that was absolutely safe?”

“Hand it over,” O’Neill ordered and held out his hand.

Tony gave a reluctant sigh and pulled the little recorder out of his pocket. “It really is perfectly safe,” he insisted.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” O’Neill wiggled his fingers. “Give.”

“Fine,” Tony handed it over. “How much trouble am I in for not telling anyone I had it?”

“Depends on what it does.” O’Neill stared at the object until it lit up. Then he squinted at it and the tiny image of Vala appeared. “Huh, looks like a camera of some kind. What else did you take pictures of?”

“Nothing, I swear. Just Vala when we were in the room where we found it.”

O’Neill concentrated harder and Vala disappeared. When nothing else appeared, he gave a gusty sigh. “You’re lucky Vala’s image is the only one on here. You signed the NDA. If there were pictures of anything from the ship or the mountain, I’d have to lock you up and throw away the key.”

“Is there any possibility I could keep that?”

O’Neill considered the recorder. “Well, like you said, it is completely harmless. If I let you keep this, you cannot show it to anybody. I’m serious.”

“The best way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself. Gibbs Rule 4,” Tony recited and nodded his head. “I’m very good at keeping secrets, especially when it comes to my personal life. My nosy team-mates keep asking me personal questions and I keep giving them what they think are truthful answers but don’t even come close to the truth. Like I said, I know classified.”

“I’m gonna trust you with this,” O’Neill stated seriously and handed the recorder back. “Don’t let me down, DiNozzo.”

“Nobody will ever find out. And thank you, for this and for trusting me.”

O’Neill shrugged. “Teal’c did say you are a mighty warrior who is honorable. So let’s not prove him wrong. He gets so cranky when that happens.”

“No problem,” Tony replied. “I’d hate to have him cranky with me.”

They relaxed for a while before O’Neill thought of another point to make. “That was a lot of messages on your phone. What will you tell your co-workers about where you disappeared to?”

“I’ll figure out some story to tell them,” Tony shrugged then laughed. “Hell, I could tell them the truth and they’d never believe me. I got abducted by aliens. Yeah, right. Nobody would believe that story, except you because you deal with aliens all the time. But my team? They’d call me a liar and tell me to stop making things up.”

“You sure about that?”

“Oh yeah. Abby’s the only one that believes in little green men, crop circles and conspiracies. She’ll just think I’m making fun of her if I say anything about alien abductions.”

“Well, just make sure you keep that little gadget hidden and don’t turn it on where anyone else can see it,” O’Neill reminded him.

“No problem. I’ll say that it’s a souvenir I picked up on one of my vacations and I thought it would make a neat paperweight. It won’t leave my home.”

When the plane started its descent, O’Neill fished a business card out of his jacket and held it out. “We really could use you in the program, but I’m not going to pressure you. Take my card. If you ever do change your mind, give me a call.”

“I’ll think about it.” Tony pocketed the card and shrugged. “Who knows. Maybe some day I’ll become Space Cop DiNozzo, bringing law and order to the galaxy.”

“One can hope,” O’Neill stated solemnly and they grinned at each other.

=====================

Tony instructed O’Neill’s driver to drop him off two blocks away from his apartment building. Being familiar with the locations of any security cameras, he deftly avoided them as he moved through back alleys until he could slip in the back door of his building. He felt like a thief sneaking into his own home like that, but it was the only way to avoid any surveillance on the front that Abby might have set up. He cautiously entered his apartment with a sigh of relief. When no one pounded on his door demanding entrance, he finally relaxed enough to take a shower and get something to eat. He picked up the Ancient recorder and sat down on his bed.

“Display,” he whispered and smiled at the tiny image of Vala that appeared. “Best vacation ever.”

=======================

Monday morning Tony entered the bullpen to find Ziva, Abby and McGee waiting for him. He barely had time to sit down at his desk before they surrounded him.

“Where have you been, Mister?” Abby demanded.

“On vacation. Where do you think I’ve been?” Tony didn’t appreciate being spoken to like he was a naughty child that had snuck off without permission.

“I tried to call you to go out clubbing with me,” Abby pouted. “All I got was your voice mail. And you never answered any of the texts I sent you. I tried to find you, but you had your phone turned off!”

Tony let out a sigh. “I was on vacation Abby.”

“And he still does not explain where he disappeared to,” Ziva frowned.

“We checked the airport, bus stations and train stations,” McGee added. “You weren’t on any of the passenger lists.”

“That’s because I didn’t take a plane, bus or train.” Tony was getting exasperated with their third degree. “I went on a road trip.”

“Your car was parked in front of your apartment, DiNozzo,” Abby scoffed. “You can’t go on a road trip without your car. Try again.”

“I went with a friend. In my friend’s car.”

“Your friend provided you with a suitcase and clothes?” McGee smirked. “Your luggage was still in your apartment and it didn’t look like any of your clothes were missing.”

“And just how would you know that?”

”Ziva picked the lock on your door?” Abby answered hesitantly, picking up on Tony’s displeasure.

“That is breaking and entering,” Tony glared at them. “I should have you arrested for that.”

“There were extenuating circumstances,” Ziva shrugged off his annoyance. “You did not answer your door and you seemed to be breaking Gibbs’ Rule Three to never be unreachable. For all we knew you were lying on the floor, unconscious or dead. So I picked the lock so we could enter and render any necessary aid.”

“Well, wasn’t that thoughtful and caring of you.”

“Yes it was,” Abby pouted. “So ‘fess up, DiNozzo. Where were you? And don’t give us any more crap about a road trip!”

“Fine, you want the truth? I’ll tell you the truth. I got kidnapped, I escaped and I spent the last two weeks flying around the galaxy in a space ship with a beautiful alien princess.”

“If you don’t want to tell us where you went, then don’t,” McGee huffed and turned back to his desk. “That’s the best story you can come up with?” 

Abby glared at him. “You just broke Abby’s Rule Number One. Never lie to Abby.” She stomped away toward the back elevator.

“You must have been a poor excuse for an undercover agent if that’s the best cover story you can come up with,” Ziva sniffed in disdain.

Before anything else could be said, Gibbs breezed into the bull pen. “Grab your gear. Dead sailor in Rock Creek Park.”

As he walked past Tony, he muttered to him, “Beautiful alien princess, huh?”

Tony put his hand over his heart and sighed. “Oh, yeah,” he smiled.

=======================

A couple days later, O’Neill checked his e-mail and began to laugh when he read:

_General O’Neill. Tony DiNozzo here. Remember me?_

_Do you remember when I told you I could tell my team the truth and they’d never believe me? I no sooner sat down at my desk when I was surrounded by the terrible trio demanding to know where I’d disappeared to. They got pretty obnoxious with their questioning, so finally, yeah, I got fed up and blew my cool. I told them I got kidnapped, I escaped and I spent my vacation flying around the galaxy in a space ship with a beautiful alien princess. They called me a liar and stomped off in a huff because I wouldn’t tell them where I’d been._

_Do I know these people or what?_

_Love, Tony_

_P.S. Give Vala a hug and a kiss from me when you see her next._

O’Neill shook his head. “Oh, Tony. You are something else.” 

===========================================================

The End (for now)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who left comments and kudos. You brightened my day at a time I really needed it. I had a lot of fun writing this and I've already started thinking about Tony's next adventure with the stargate.


End file.
